Answers About Urban Parenting
Story found on NYTimes.com.
Following is a first set of answers from Erin Sheehan, the community editor for UrbanBaby, who took questions from readers during the week of Feb. 11 about parenting in New York City and other urban areas.
- Second set of answers from Ms. Sheehan (Feb. 15)
How much does working a full day have to do with good parenting? Does having nannies help or hinder? What about parents who work two or three jobs without any help?
Bill W.
You pose what appears to be a direct question regarding the relationship of time spent with our children and the resulting success we have as parents. Your question points directly to the heart of many conversations and debates that occur on the UrbanBaby message boards with regularity. I believe that I can speak for most of our message board participants and suggest that this question is, in fact, much more complicated as parents today struggle to find an effective balance between work commitments, caring for their children and other life responsibilities.
At the heart of this matter you will find women on different paths: the working-outside-the-home mom (WOHM), the stay-at-home mom (SAHM) and also, the work-at-home mom (WAHM). Whether or not a woman has chosen to continue with her career full time after having children or if she reluctantly returns to the office place for financial reasons, the question of child care is a significant one for the entire family. Nannies, day care centers and preschools are discussed daily on the message boards for all types of family situations.
The modern urban parent often finds his or her life quite chaotic as the logistics of daily life are juggled with children, careers, extended family, travel, real estate and everything else in between. Whether or not a family decides to use a nanny — or more than one as is sometimes the case — can be a question of financial means and also of personal preference. Some families choose different options including family members, stay-at-home dads (SAHD) or moms who only work part time.
While these questions often stir debate in society and on our message boards, I would submit that there cannot be one answer for your question. With all of the considerations of financial matters, day care options, and a woman’s prerogative to either work outside the house or stay at home, becoming a good parent must certainly rely on many other factors as well. Parents often consider that instilling values in their children is one of their more important contributions they can make. This is not reliant on time spent at home, but rather the dedication to the quality of the parent-child relationship. UrbanBaby’s message board users also share their thoughts and opinions on morality and spirituality as they relate to the quality of their child’s upbringing.
With all of the daily decisions that parents make, and definitely those parents in high-paced urban areas, finding an effective balance takes some work. Parents rely on support systems made up of family, friends, child care providers and other community members. Forums like UrbanBaby provide an additional support for parents to use their peers as a sounding board, or to share some inspiration of their own.
I am sure that in the years to follow, we will be inundated with research comparing the outcomes of our children’s education and other aspects of their young adult lives with the decisions we did make in regards to their early childhood experiences. Parenthood in America today comes with new rules and strategies and with its own set of pressures and challenges. Our lives have become increasingly full and most parents I know work to make the best decisions regarding careers, finances and the quality of home life. Parents might feel that they have succeeded in being good parents to their children when they are making decided choices with their spouse that best fit with their own motivations, goals and expectations combined with the needs of their child and this often includes some sacrifice.
Surely someone who works and has limited time with their child during the day does not forfeit the chance at becoming a “good parent” and one does not simply earn the esteemed title “good parent” because of the time he or she has punched in on a given day. Parenting is a balancing act of many dynamic components and people, and viewing it in this holistic approach might provide the most accurate personal assessment on how we are doing.
Why do you think people get so mean on UrbanBaby? People do seem to revert to their nastiest selves all over the Internet, but it’s bad on your site. It seems like such a great idea to have this community, but it ends up being so much about protecting status, and no one even knows who you are.
Ellen
If you have had an experience on the UrbanBaby message boards that would lead you to call the community mean and/or nasty, there might be a few reasons you walked away with this impression.
You mentioned that people seem to “revert to their nastiest selves all over the Internet” and I think you have touched upon a byproduct of digital communication, especially with Web site applications that include user-generated content and community feedback. Users are free to contribute as much or as little as possible about their opinions and lives with little or no consequence. Because the UrbanBaby message boards are anonymous, users sometimes abuse the freedom and their behavior and language can be extreme.
Secondly, the world of modern parenting in the urban environment lends itself to include many debatable subjects: fertility treatments, vaccinations, public vs. private education, city living vs. suburban living, career women vs. stay-at-home moms, breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, rise in consumerism and the expense of baby gear and clothing. These hot topics seem to touch a cord with many users who are in the middle of these life events, and decisions and can become either defensive and/or judgmental. With an anonymous forum to extol or vent, emotions can sometimes become strong.
There is, however, a positive result as well. Many of the UrbanBaby community members often thank other users for their consistent help and support during hard times when they might not have elsewhere to turn. Users post questions that might embarrass them elsewhere, or comments that might elicit a certain reaction they would not be comfortable with in real life.
The final explanation for your observation concerns a certain group dynamic that sometimes exits on the message boards. Like other relationships that happen in real life, members of this community might take advantage of their “veteran” status and form digital cliques. Some of our users have been enjoying the conversations and advice that UrbanBaby offers for many years now, and while they provide a large benefit in directing the community, some have been known to be less patient with newcomers. Newcomers quickly learn to hold their own and provide an important contribution to the every changing voice of the community.
In a time when “keeping up with the Joneses” seems to have taken on an extreme meaning in our urban areas, the practice of protecting one’s status is hard to separate from conversations and underlying motivations even in an anonymous online forum. Yet, depending on why you have arrived at UrbanBaby’s message boards, whether to browse current conversations, or whether you have a very specific question to ask, you will assuredly observe different reactions, moods, and personalities present depending on the subject matter, time of day, day of the week and even the time of the year.
I read that you used to work for a distance education company. I am planning to retire soon as a teacher and reading specialist in New Jersey, and do not plan to sit idle. Looking for work in retirement. Is UrbanBaby hiring? Would you happen to know if the company you formerly worked for might be looking for people? I’m interested in editing, writing or anything else interesting and stimulating!
Nancy Burglass
Although I cannot offer you specifics on career opportunities with CNET or my previous employer, I urge you to keep your eyes open and find specific sources in the industries that interest you, both online and in trade publications or books. Some of my most successful and exciting career opportunities came about when I contacted what I considered an interesting company or group, not from responding to a job posting. Good luck with your search. I have included some sites that might interest you:
The Chronicle of Higher Education
Interactive Education Recruitment Network of the State of New Jersey
Career Information Not-For-Profit
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